Wise words

There’s a character in one of the other sections down the office who has sparked a wave of Photoshopping and writing. It’s escalated into the stage where they keep a book of things he has come out with, which one of the guys is setting up a website for, and hoping to make into a book. Here is a sample of his outpourings:

His mates thinking of setting up his own business: “I’m the brains behind the operation”

“Missing episodes of Coronation Street and Eastenders can make you ill.”

One of the girls talking about cakes they had made: “They were made under the influence of alcohol..”
Rich: “Who… I was?”

Reading from news item: “A car bomb has exploded in a predominantly Shite are of Bagdad.”

Glen: “250 people killed in a plane crash.”
Rich: “How did they die.”

Rich: “Every year, close to my birthday, like, god curses down on me with a cold”

Ian: “But you don’t believe in god, rich!”

Rich: “I know, dat’s why he does it.”

Hamster for sale - name Hannibal

Karen spotted this item for sale on the intranet portal. It's a very sad tale. Researching on the internet, apparently hamsters will eat each other, or part so f themselves. See Davezillas old post about the hamster eating himself.

"Title For Sale: Hampster......Free!
Categories Misc
Description My brother HAD 2 lovely little Russian hamsters who lived in perfect harmony in there lovely cage until one ate the other!!!
My Brother says he can no longer love Hannibal and has asked me to rehome him (i thinks it’s a he). Although he ate his friend apparently that’s what hamster’s do he is a lovely little hamster and has always been handled and does not bite (humans) although obviously he has a thing for his fury friends!
Please make Mr Lector feel loved again - he doesn’t like it at my house as my dog just harasses the cr@p out of him!!!
I do not want anything for him just that he will be looked after and loved!
He comes with a fantastic cage and a bag with some food and some other bits and bobs (quite a pampered hamster actually)!
You will have to pick him up.
Go on make Hannibal Happy!!!"

I now have terrible visions of half eaten hamsters lying about their cages in pools of blood

Very mange tout

Jim has a few phrases which he comes out with, such as “Very mange tout” when someone is eating. Although, he’s even started saying it at other times. It’s some king of Del Boy (Only Fools and Horses) thing, but after a time it just gets annoying. This morning I even had to explain to Dan what mange tout is. Sadly he now wants his own catch phrase that he can get on people’s nerves with.

Children in need day

If there’s one thing that annoys me more than dress down day it’s Children in need day. Already there’ve been people round (in twos for some reason) selling raffle tickets on all of the floors. Imagine the cost in man hours that some manager has allowed these people to go swanning off round the building for most of the day. It does make you wonder if the people that they send round are of the same calibre as our Clive, and they probably don’t miss them too much, or even get more work done with them gone. Anyway, it’s annoying enough on the day with people coming round for collections or raffles, when people are stuck at their desk trying to work. Like dress down day, I try and avoid the collections. If I see them coming I’ll pick my moment to go to the lavatory or go and ask a colleague something, further down the office. I’m already supposed to be paying £1 for the privilege of dressing down on the day. Then when you get home they’ve taken anything decent off the TV in order to beg for money all night. If you go out you are hassled by collectors wherever you go, even at the supermarket. I think they would raise more money by not doing it and people would be happy to pay for not having to go through the hassle.

Dan’s scans

Dan was scanning in a load of documents which had been found in another office, which all needed scanning in then shredding.
The quality on the screen of the finished article was terrible, so we suggested to Dan that he changed the settings on the scanner. Only wanting to go through the motions then shred them he said:
“60,000 documents to scan in …”
“And they’re all mostly black.” I added.

Andy loiters

Andy is standing against the wall, near the door next to the coffee machine, red faced.
“What’s wrong?” asks Nige.
“Jim’s out there, on his phone.” (He doesn’t like to be caught by Jim on his own, in case he engages him in some conversation or other he can’t escape from)
“You’ll be okay if he’s on his mobile.”
“Yeah, but he could be finished at any minute. I could step out there just as he hangs up, then he’ll follow me into the toilets and talk to me while I’m trying to pee.”

Someday he’ll end up wetting himself.

Smuggling Dan

Dan is off to Amsterdam with his mates for a long weekend soon. He was deciding if he should smuggle some stuff back. I told him when I went there wasn’t much security, but now they search you for liquids in your hand luggage. He’s thinking of hiding some stuff in his suitcase, but is a bit wary that they use sniffer dogs. I suggest he hides them in a bag of aniseed balls.
“What’s aniseed balls?” he asks. So me and Nige have to try and tell him what aniseed balls were and where we might find somewhere to sell them.
He decides a better idea is hiding some drugs in a box of Pringles.
“Once you’ve popped you can’t stop” says Nige.

Nige at the Motor show

Nige has been to the motor show at the NEC on Saturday. He paid £50 each for “gold” tickets, and took the missus. He spent from 9.30am until 8.30pm walking round it all.
“There were loads of birds walking around in skimpy costumes and hot-pants. There was one section with a crowd of blokes stood taking photos of these two women in hot-pants bent over the bonnet of this Bugatti.”
“Didn’t you take your camera Nige?” I asked.
“No. Mel had got her camera, but I couldn’t really ask her to borrow it to take photos of that.”
“I suppose you couldn’t have asked her to quickly take a photo of her for me.”

Secret Santa 2

We also found these while we were looking for Secret Santa ideas:
take a look at the others:
tennis
equalizer

Nige's nose

Nige has had trouble with his nose and feeling congested for some time. A few months back he went to see a specialist to try and get it sorted, then had an appointment where he got a camera stuck up his nose to see what was going on. They told him then that he had polyps.
This morning Nige tells us that he’s going back to the hospital at the end of the month to get his results and find out what the consultant wants to do about his polyps. I mention to Dan that Nige has to tell him that he’s not married, so that he can get a prettier nose. Dan had missed out on the previous installment of Nige’s nose saga, so Nige re-tells the story of his wife’s uncle, who also had polyps, and had to have an operation to remove them.
Mel’s uncle went to see his consultant, who asked if he was married or not. He told him that he was married. So the doctor explained that he wouldn’t be re-shaping his nose, because he was already married, and it didn’t matter what he looked like any more. Whereas, if he had been single he would have given him a bit of a nose job for free.
“What, like Michael Jackson?” Asks Dan.
“Yes, just like Michael Jackson.”

Nige has been having trouble coughing all morning. Lorna asked if it’s since he started the project he’s on where he’s using old, dusty archive files. He seems to be putting up with things at the moment by swigging cough medicine out of the bottle, because he doesn’t have a spoon. I’m sure he shouldn’t be taking as much as he is.

Secret Santa

While I was off sick for a few days they decided they wanted to do the Secret Santa thing that Rach started off a few years ago. She, and the rest of the female staff that used to work on our section, have now moved on to other sections or left, so I thought that we wouldn’t be bothering this year. Junior decided to resurrect it though, while I was away.
I’ve been looking on the internet for some ideas and someone’s in for a surprise for their Secret Santa this year:

http://www.edible.com/shop/browse.php?cmd=showproduct&productId=9

Although one of the Steve’s reckoned that you wouldn’t get the proper taste of the ants because they’d be covered in chocolate. The year before last I managed to pull my own name out of the hat, kept it quiet, and bought myself a nice bottle of rum. They found out on the day of opening, because they all guess (or own up) to who bought what. So it ends up not being that much of a Secret Santa. Junior always tries to trick people into saying who they’ve got to buy for. Having organised it this time round, in the absence of any ladies, you would have thought he would have figured out a way of marking the back of the bits of paper so that he could tell who was picking who.

Chinese translations please

We found this site in the week, which we were all having a laugh at, dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in western culture.
Ever since I showed this round the office people have wanted their Chinese stuff translated. Here’s one of the steve’s who wants to know what his tee shirt says.

Eric's greeting

I’ve been off work ill for a while. I was in the office quite early. Eric came in and headed straight for the coffee machine.
“Ed’s back! …How are you Ed? Are you better mate.”
“Yes I’m much better thanks.”
“I’m pleased to see you back.”
“You too.”
“That’s a lie really isn’t it? You’re not really happy to see me again.”
I left him to walk away quietly, dejected.


Later on when Clive came in he was happy again.
“I saw you last night Clive.”
“Where were you?”
“Ducking behind a counter in Sainsburys,... when I saw you.”

Fat Dave update

I’ve been off work ill for a while. Coming back in I found out that one or two people had got a text off Fat Dave saying something like “Sorry I haven’t been in touch for some time, but I thought I should say goodbye because I’m moving abroad.”
Abroad is a very ambiguous tern to use, you would tell someone which country you are moving to. Apparently Raqueeb phoned Fat Dave to find out more about what he was doing. Dave told him that he was moving to Germany with his new girlfriend and her son. We think that he’s met her on the internet and are very worried (not that worried really) that she is one of those cannibals, who all seem to be German. I think she’s seen a picture of Dave and thought her luck was in (eating wise). I reckon she could freeze most of him and live off him for months. Either that, or she could be involved in a big network of cannibals, who meet up once in a while for a banquet. I can just imagine them wheeling Dave along, roasted, on a giant silver tray, with an apple in his mouth.

Paper models

Been away fof a while. here are some of the paper models I've made in the meantime. others proved too difficult (like the Wacky Races cars), so I gave up on some.